At first it was like God if this is the result of success I didn't want it. God had blessed me with everything I was longing for and within a year Mom was gone and there was pure turbulence. I just wanted to give it all back. The constant trial thereafter truly wore on me. I could not understand it. There were people truly disregarding and disrespecting God. I wanted it to make sense and it would not. Then it finally clicked. It all relates to the word "our works are like filthy rags" it was nothing I did or could do. As people continued to tell me it's like Job I just rebelled. I said I don't want to live Jobs pain. I just want to enjoy my life and the people in it. Or that thorn in your side in time.... you'll be okay because God's grace is sufficient and all the while I was just hoping that no one else would be hurt in all of this. I walked away from fights many times to keep others from getting hurt.
As I sat in church Pastor preached on someone struggling with God's love and I knew that word was for me. I was struggling with whether God's love was the same for me as it was before. I knew that I could still ace tests despite my head injury. Even my 98 was fear I heard clearly to go back and fix an answer but I did not want to mess up.
I know God is still blessing my life, but over the years I was prosperous, protected and so productive. It always seemed upward and I was wondering what did I do to change that. It was as if I felt penalized for every move not perfectly executed. With Mom when you messed up she saw the good in it so you felt on top of the world even if you made a mistake she'd say "there is always more than one way of doing things." Therefore, even if you made a mistake you would eventually master your task. I just didn't feel like I had room for error anymore.
I just became afraid there would be a consequence no matter what I did be it wrong or right. I had even neglected to take job opportunities or participate in writing opportunities because of fear that it would not be as they wanted it. Mainly because I wanted it as God wanted it, I did not want God's message to be altered. If he gave it to me and I allowed someone to water it down or change it to make myself look like the expert that would be a false sense of success for me. No I wanted it to be straight from the heart. The heart is what is important. You can not fix it when you think it isn't broken. So take a look at the broken me but know that when God puts the pieces back together it will be better than it ever was before.