I realized there was a time and a place for everything. I understood that when a marriage ends, we can tear into the very souls of our children. The day I thought I had my mind made up, my son turned to me and said "Mom if you leave you will miss my birthday." I thought wow, he is truly depending on me being here for him. His birthday was the only thing he could grab hold of quickly. What he was saying is "Mom if you leave, what happens to me?" Our children did not ask to be here. What they did ask is to be is loved. They may not know how to form the words to express to you that they need you. However, they do it when they walk to you and hug you, when they ask you to tie their shoes and check their homework.
Therefore, that day I made up my mind to hang in there, if not for the sake of love, at least for the love of my children. As time heals all wounds, my heart healed and I began to love my husband more like a husband as well. As time progressed, I also realized as Momma always said "it could be worst." Going through my changes I always replied "No, Momma it could be better." She understood that I really did not have it as bad as some, not as bad as she did.
She hid her abusive situation so well, we thought the fighting stopped when my brother showed my step dad what it was to fight a man instead. However, he just learned to privately abuse her. She in turn allowed it by not letting us know. She was afraid of the consequences. Would her children end up killing this man? She loved us more than life itself and there was no way she would put us in danger.
Lord knows, I thought many days I would take a lamp to his head just for talking to her wrong. It was time for me to leave for college and I know that was God's way of saving his life and mine. She was such a giving and loving woman, I always wondered how this man could be so cruel. It wasn't until her final days that she revealed to me how much he had really hurt her.
When she had her heart attack, he told her he wished she would just die and never leave the hospital. All he wanted was to collect the life insurance at this point. She had married a man 20 years younger (the Devil, I often thought). She had finally realized this was the biggest mistake of her life. She was beautiful in her day, yet he had worried the life and beauty out of her. I had never seen her so empty and lifeless.
I knew I would never allow a man to hit me or take me through the pain I saw her endure. That was why I was always ready and willing to leave my marriage. The slightest look of pain sent me signals to leave. It was not until my mom told me how her Grandma had endured for the sake of her 6 children, though they finally moved into separate rooms. They understood the effects of divorce on children and Grandma was not about to make their mistakes hurt her legacy.
However, reading the "Elect Lady" helped me understand that I had a spiritual reason to endure as well. Eddie Long needed his Mom to be there for him and if she had not maybe his destiny would have been different. Read the book before you make any decisions. If you are not being beaten or being abused, it maybe a good idea to seek counseling and see if you can work it out. For no two people are perfect. The stats on divorce is an obvious attack from Satan and we as parents have to change the future outlook to leave the next generation a stronger legacy!
© 2010 Denise Loundes-Russell