Tuesday, October 27, 2015

2 Angels went home to be with the Lord, during Cancer Awareness, Saturday October 25, 2015

My heart has been heavy this weekend and yet I could not tap into why. I just told my husband Friday it was like Deja vu without the pain. Years ago he lost a cousin and I was in pain the night before. I told my husband someone is in excruciating pain and I don't know what to do. My pastor later told me I was being prompted to pray. Well it happened again "I told my husband it is happening again without the pain this weekend, but my husband was the one who reminded me to pray. I don't handle death well so I have tried to avoid it. I suppose I believe if I don't believe it is coming it will somehow go away.

Unfortunately, I lost someone who was really good to me as a child. Someone so close she was my (Step) Mom. My heart hurts mostly for my sister because although I tried my best not to get in the way. I know I needed to reach out more. I know my regret is normal and I know death visits all of us. My heart truly aches for my husband's clients because they too lost their baby boy to cancer as well that night.

I know in Christ we should be rejoicing because there is no more pain and they are rejoicing with our heavenly father in a much better place. Yet my heart hurts and my heart yearns to reunite these lovely angels with their earthly loved ones again. I know that doesn't make much sense but love hurts and death hurts tremendously and Momma Bev you were truly loved and will be greatly missed. You were such an Angel to all of us. Xander I know you are looking down on your parents and siblings with Love. I just ask that each and everyone of you keep all our families in prayer as we enter this journey of the ceremonies to unite our loved ones with our heavenly father.


Monday, October 26, 2015

Gratitude! No one owes me anything.....

After last week I must say it only taught me I want to teach my children the importance of gratitude. Sometimes we have to reflect, I said what did I miss with my own children to ensure they are not ungrateful? One day they will be completely raised and turned over to someone else. I thought "God.....Mom emphasized gratitude. I thought you know people would always say "everything comes so easy to you." Then, my Vice Principal played back in my head "Do you know why I always call you to these events to dine with the Governor etc?" I said "No." She responded "because you were always willing to help and you wanted to make this place better." They didn't have to make sure I had a wonderful high school experience but they did. They cleared the mine traps and made sure I could soar. I say this to share the importance of gratitude. I was always taught that nobody owes me anything. If someone is kind enough to help you or give you something no matter how raggedy or small you think it is you appreciate it. The reward is that one day when they are able to bless you with something better they just may depending on how you receive your smaller blessings. That always stuck with me.

So like yesterday I was totally wowed! I have been praying for the right relationships and God has just opened some doors that only he can open. I felt a heaviness the night before and it was like me and my husband just could not get along. I told my husband look we are in the middle of this transaction and you know the enemy gets his busiest when something good is unfolding. So we took a moment to reevaluate why we were at odds. We squashed it immediately and moved forward and surely the goodness of God was manifested. I don't know why God does what he does because in this flesh we may not even deserve it but I know it is nothing that we have done that makes him love and bless us as he does. It is all because of who He is and the plans he has for our lives. We are just absolutely grateful for our new found relationships. I pray to continue to have great news to keep you updated on what God has in store for the next generation of Artists & Writers!


Thursday, October 22, 2015

Thank you to my haters!.... It's really not about me or you!

It's so funny I had to really say thank God for people who get under my skin. I have found that my writing is fueled by my emotions. After a successful start in a new venture, I heard there were moans and groans. I had to laugh because when you have paid for everything and tried to help people get a start and they come at you with complaints you can truly blow a fuse and say words you really don't mean. I had an idea and my husband helped see it to fruition. I love children so I would do anything to give them my all.

Without saying too much "the indecisive and self centered had to criticize "well why didn't you do this and why didn't you do that?" I told my husband this is why I don't bother, I would much rather make a donation and keep it moving than waste my energy on people who have chosen to be where they are and murmur and complain. I know it's important to do it for the greater good but God also said "don't cast your pearls before swine." So for me that means don't waste your time on ungrateful, complaining folks.

However, my husband being the good man that he is said they don't matter. What matters is you fed people that were hungry and he described someone who was really down on their luck and how by saying "please let everyone eat and allow them to donate to the children if they can"  you fed someone that day. He said "God used you to bring forth his idea that would bless someone." I was really upset at this point and said "wow, we can really let our haters get us off course sometime. There was definitely a lesson in what was going on last night.

I was upset because I was like "you have been thinking about it, but did nothing but come in to church with excuses about why you did not contribute," but then you come at us for making it happen. It may not have been perfect but it was a start. A start that isn't about you or me. A start that is about the future generations having good activities, scholarships and memories of church. A chance for the youth to know God is a giving God and he's not there just to collect your tithes and offering but that He is a Giving God who wants relationships. For me it's not about money or catering to your egos. It truly is about the children and the future generations because we have had our time to do what we were to do. It's time we learn to bless our children's children and prepare for their enormous future.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

WAR ROOM An Excellent film and gentle reminder!

I must say this film absolutely brought me to tears. I was truly asking God what do we do? I was definitely at this place in my life. I needed a gentle reminder that my husband and I are not each others enemy and that we are at war not with flesh and blood. This film helped me put so many things in perspective. I am at that point in life where the children are almost grown and I have to deal with all that was shoved under the rug like my student loans and my career and academic goals.

Therefore, everything was irritating me and my husband as much as we love each other was really getting under my skin. Sometimes you have to reevaluate and decide if you are going to be bitter or better and I choose better. I am not saying things are perfect but God knows it has been much better since seeing this film. It reminded me of how I felt when I saw Fireproof but with so much more teaching about prayer and as much as I found myself in prayer over the years, I found myself truly feeling like a warrior these past few weeks.

So I must say I have thoroughly enjoyed seeing the movie War Room. It is a film I can take my entire family to see and feel good about it. There are not many films today that you can watch and know your family is going to be that much better after seeing it but this is truly the film of the year! Thank God for our church for sharing this film on a night only my husband attended because we were in need of this film.

Monday, October 5, 2015

I'm yet still holding on....holding on to my faith...I will be debt free...and start anew

"I'm yet still holding on" ... I really feel like that quote today. I have been wrestling with the student loan servicer who has apparently misled me. I have completed the process to get my loans out of default and they even congratulated me. Yet, I am now learning that when they advised me that I was paying on all my loans it was untrue. After losing thousands of dollars that were never applied to my loans through garnishments, I took the punches because I was too depressed about my mom dying to fight. I figured all things would work together for my good. I can remember struggling for a month to get to work right after Mom died only to be advised over $2,800.00 had been garnished, yes my entire paycheck because I was a federal contractor and they did not have to follow the 25% rule the rest of the world was afforded. I was a federal contractor and therefore they could take 100% of my check.

So now I have kept my end of the bargain and paid monthly to learn that the Perkins loan can not become a part of my payment agreement with my stafford loans unless I sign away my rights via a consolidation program which states I can never have loan forgiveness and or other opportunities if I choose to teach etc. The agency attempted to gain my user name and password and then proceeded to tell me aww you don't need to read that it's the same disclosures you read when you did the rehabilitation. Thank God for my Mother who instilled in us that we should read everything. Some of these loan agencies are so ruthless and devoid of truth. I am appalled that they get away with so much.

I don't know my next step outside of hiring an attorney but I will not sign my rights away to pursue the same opportunities afforded to everyone else in this nation because I chose to feed my children in lieu of paying my student loans at one point. The agencies refused to come to a reasonable agreement until 2013. Therefore, I will find a solution that will allow me to pay back this $4,500.00 and $1,950.00 dollar loan deal I made with "the Devil" obviously. I have learned my lesson about student loans and I only hope others will learn from my mistakes. I am not saying ....don't take them out if you have to but know that they can be used to keep you out of school if you don't have the resources to pay them off upon graduation. It appears the subsidized stafford loan and unsubsidized stafford loans are willing to work with you but the perkins loan is a "university loan" so they don't follow the same rules. The Perkins loan has been the beast that holds my transcript. So what do you do when you have done everything they have asked. You stand, you pray and you do whatever it takes within reason and you expect results.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Giving God the Absolute Glory!

                      Last night was an absolute answer to my prayers. I went to Wednesday Service and I must say the Minister of Music Minister Bethea truly taught the word of God and most importantly the love of God. I could not have felt more relieved, when he began to deal with the root of the problem and how the spirit of rejection is a spirit and how we should be sensitive to those who are hurting so that they can get healed. As the people began to share their stories and their pain I was wowed! I was right there with them, just as broken and flawed. This is what church is about, loving people enough to help them heal. I really felt like you get it. It is about a war with Satan and his principalities. It is not about us fighting with one another in the flesh.

                   When we get to the place where the enemy knows he is revealed that is when we can get free and truly get the work God has predestined us to do. I walked out feeling truly inspired. I must say that although in the flesh I have been fighting with Augusta State University about releasing the last of my student loans to the loan servicing agency I have been paying for the last year. Even that thorn in my side could not take my joy. I don't normally let things linger this long but I have never truly gotten over the aggravation that place caused my life. It was the worst wrong turn I think I ever took. If I could turn back the hand of time I would have remained at Seton Hall University where they wanted us to succeed as opposed to such a University that has done everything to ensure bondage. I will be breaking free from this debt. This place has given it's students a million hoops to jump through. The only University I know that does not follow the rules and allow you 6 months to repay your loan after graduating and denies forbearances. Please keep me in prayer!

                 However, back to my testimony. I am just super excited about the teaching we received on Wednesday night and the deliverance and prayer that took place in the house of God. I could not have been more overjoyed to know that the work of God is taking place. Church is not just about looking good, it is truly about being good and helping hurt people get healed!