Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Thomas was so loved by God and by me!

You know we have a tendency to take the scripture "speak things as though they were" too far. I believe God loved Thomas for who he was and his unbelief because if Thomas did not question things we would not have such vivid evidence of his presence.

I was recently thinking about the things I have been through and others who have suffered at the adage that we have to pretend nothing is wrong to be holy. As I went through my silent pain as a head injury patient. I went from not being able to remember my name to remembering some things to years later almost remembering everything. Yet still not recalling all the details of the accident.

However, during that period everyone kept telling me nothing is wrong and physically I was healed but mentally I was fighting for my thoughts. I was the only one who knew what I was feeling. The torment I felt was horrible, when my husband or children would say remember this and I would draw a blank and look in embarrassment because I could not recall important family memories. Then there were people I once knew speaking to me on Facebook and I had no clue who they were.

My mind was very sharp before the accident. There was hardly a word I could not spell or a fact I could not recall. However, after the accident I became more dependent on my computer but some things not even the computer could recall and it was then that I had to call on my creator and ask that he heal my mind.

When my mother died I was particularly angry because my family allowed me to take on a task I should have never been entrusted with. I was angry they were too busy with their comfort to take time to care for a woman who had cared for all of them.

I was angry because they knew I had suffered a head injury months before and my mind was in no condition to make decisions. I was like putty in my mothers hands and had reverted back to a little girl in her presence. In my final plea for help no one showed that Monday and it made me despise the term family even more. I felt like if they treated a woman who had been there for them like this, then what would they do to me. I felt like the word family meant nothing at that time in my life. We were given ten days to save Mom and I felt we had all let her down.

So as I walked away from the house my mom had practically died in and I decided to start over I was very much in a very bad place mentally. Not a good place with a family of seven to care for. It was as if in all my craziness there was still no one willing to make sound decisions and my grief had to take a back burner and I just had to deal with it. I finally understood why people become homeless and I almost caused my entire family to be homeless because I no longer had the fight in me I once had. I gave up the home, the car, the driver license and anything else that could expire did.

I was still recovering from the head injury, six months later I was dealing with my moms death. Three months later the Devil had thrown a new issue my way which was the assault on my son. Then to add insult to injury, ten months later I managed to try to blow the leaves in the yard and the cover came off of the blower and sucked my hand in. The doctors wanted to take the hanging finger tips off. I pleaded that I needed my fingers because my profession was a court reporter and so they decided I had to keep my finger tips to type and they stitched my fingers. This of course I felt was the worst two years of my life. I couldn't even fight Sears so they got away with the worst settlement in history!

However, what kept me was knowing that God had saved my life, he had healed my hands and he had saved my son from what the enemy meant for evil. God had turned it all around for my good. You see my pain did not go away because I pretended it did not exist it began to go away when I began to bring it to my father in prayer and deal with my pain. So I like Thomas wanted to know what was wrong and wanted to see the turn around in order to be a true testimony!

© 2010 Denise Loundes-Russell

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